The need to attend a funeral inevitably comes along, whether for a family member of your boss, a colleague or someone from a company that you have business dealings with. While you may consider such occasions daunting, you should nevertheless be aware of the proper etiquette for such events, in order to avoid confusion and possible embarrassment. The following are brief descriptions of wakes and funeral services.

Tsuya (wake)

A "tsuya" is a ceremony for the family of the deceased, as well as people who were close friends and associates, to remain in attendance with the deceased. A wake service is an occasion to mourn the loss by reminiscing about the life of the deceased and to pray for their return. It is considered good manners to wear dark and plain-colored clothing to a wake, such as dark blue or grey, as this gives the impression that you made haste in getting to the wake service to pay your respects, rather than spending your time arranging black funeral clothing.

A wake typically begins as the Buddhist priest makes his entry and those in attendance take their seats. As the sutra is recited, the chief mourner, followed by the relatives, offer incense. Other attendees then repeat the ritual. Here is how to offer incense:

(1) First, bow to the family of the deceased then proceed to the incense table. Bow again to the picture of the deceased. After praying with your palms pressed together, take an incense stick with your right hand and light it.

(2) Flap the flame with your left hand or pull your right hand downward quickly while holding the incense to extinguish the flame. Never blow out the flame as this is considered impure.

(3) Insert the stick into the incense burner.

(4) Offer a prayer for the soul of the deceased with your palms pressed together while facing toward the picture. Take two or three steps backward and bow to the family before going back to your seat.

The priest exits after the sutra reading and the incense offerings are finished. The wake ends with a speech by the chief mourner. A wake reception is held after the ceremony and a light meal and drinks are offered to visitors and attendants.

Sougi and Kokubetsushiki (funeral)

A "sougi" is a ceremony for the family and the people that were closest to the deceased to pray for the soul of the deceased, while a "kokubetsushiki" is a ceremony for anyone who was associated with the deceased to say their final goodbyes.

Men should wear dark-colored suits with matching tops and bottoms. Neckties must be black. If the suit is clearly not black, a black mourning band should be attached. Women should wear black, one-piece dresses or suits that do not expose too much skin. White pearl necklaces, suggestive of teardrops, may be worn as accessories.

A sougi or kokubetsushiki typically begins with visitors offering condolence money at the reception table and signing their names in a registry book. As the sutra is being recited, the relatives, followed by the visitors, offer incense. Here is how to offer incense:

Incense offering etiquette

The most popular incense offering at a kokubetsushiki uses incense powder, often done while standing up.

(1) Bow to the bereaved family and proceed to the incense table. Facing toward the picture of the deceased, bow briefly once.

(2) Pinch some incense with your thumb, index finger and the middle finger on your right hand. Lower your head slightly and bring the incense up to eye level.

(3) From there, place your fingers over the incense burner and gently sprinkle the powder down onto it.

(4) Take one step back and offer a prayer for the soul of the deceased with your palms pressed together. Bow deeply once where you stand, then turn to the family and bow again.

The priest exits when the incense offerings are finished. The ceremony ends with a speech by the chief mourner and the casket is prepared for the funeral procession.

Funeral procession

After the kokubetsushiki, the lid of the casket is opened to offer a last viewing opportunity. The lid is then replaced and the casket is sealed with nails before being loaded onto a hearse. Just as the hearse begins to drive away, remember to politely bow and offer a prayer for the deceased with your palms pressed together one more time.